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At Church
(Preview)
A man came to work on Monday morning with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened. The man replied, On Sunday, I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her butt crack, so I was trying to be nice and I pulled it out for her. Then, she tu...
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Possum3
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0
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1008
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Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
(Preview)
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.Defense A...
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Yarra
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0
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1009
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Stole another one.
(Preview)
A married old man thought he would give his wife a Christmas surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop, rather intimidated, but the salesgirls took charge to help him. "What colour?" they asked. He settled for white. "How much does it cost?" he asked. "Twenty-four dollars."... "Expensi...
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Possum3
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0
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1031
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Big People Words
(Preview)
A group of four-year-olds were trying very hard to become accustomed to school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. "John what did you do over the weekend?" "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you we...
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Possum3
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0
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975
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Lizards
(Preview)
I had to take my sons lizard to the vet. Heres what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. Hes just lying there looking sick, he told me. Im serious, Dad. Can you help? I put my best lizard-healer exp...
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Possum3
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0
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1049
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Purina
(Preview)
I was at Coles Supermarket buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my dog , in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog chow, RIGHT ??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't, beca...
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Possum3
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0
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984
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Al Bran
(Preview)
. The couple were 85-years-old and had been married for 60 years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise over the pas...
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Woody2
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1
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971
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Nude Runner
(Preview)
*Nude Runner*A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainyday she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard herhusband's car pull into the driveway.'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband'shome early!''I can't jump out...
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Woody2
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1
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1102
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Bitches 'til the end
(Preview)
Bitches 'til the End! The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news.You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order..'The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into thewaiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well, daught...
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Woody2
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0
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1042
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Baby at 65
(Preview)
Childbirth at 65 ( Too good not to pass on.Enjoy! ) With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit. 'May I see the new baby?' I asked. 'Not yet,' she said. '...
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grahos
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0
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1042
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Self Defence Advice
(Preview)
Its a woody special Moorey
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Moorey
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4
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1226
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The wrong record....
(Preview)
The worlds leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop. He asks the assistant, Do you have European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.Certainly, replies the assistant. Would you like to listen before you buy it?That would be wonderful, says the expert,...
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aussie_paul
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2
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976
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Exercise
(Preview)
Walking can add minutes to your life.This enables you at 85 years oldto spend an additional 5 months in a nursinghome at $8,000 per month.My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell he is.I like long walks, especially when they are take...
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Yarra
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1
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919
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Very Disturbing
(Preview)
This is what all of you 70+ year old's have to look forward to: This is something that happened in an Aged Care Centre. The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central Cafeteria. One morning, one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my friend went upstairs an...
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LLD
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1
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915
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Haven't drank coke for six months
(Preview)
Today marks 6 months without drinking a drop of coca cola, or any kinds of soda or alcohol! 6 months without eating bread, cake or anything sweet. The change in my body has been fantastic, I feel great, I lost weight and my way of thinking is very positive... I'm looking to keep this up and go for more. Beca...
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Woody n Sue
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2
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1143
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Phoned my wife......
(Preview)
I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?" It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
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rockylizard
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1
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1075
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Where are you
(Preview)
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Woody n Sue
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1
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972
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The sat nav
(Preview)
I picked this up today. So true. The Satnav A poem by Pam Ayres I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my carA Satnav is a driver's friend it tells you where you are. I have a little Satnav, i've had it all my lifeIt's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.It gives me full instructions, especi...
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oldbloke
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0
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935
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Another two golfers.
(Preview)
These two guys were playing a round of golf, and they were going fine when they were held up by two women on the green ahead. These two women were half playing & half standing there just talking. They were as slow as a wet week. One of the guys said to the other, "Why don't you go up there & ask them if w...
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Baggie
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0
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866
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New Math
(Preview)
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"Johnny: "Seven."Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"Johnny: "Seven."Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you tw...
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Yarra
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2
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938
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