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SENIOR DRIVER
(Preview)
My neighbour was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair. He said with excitement, "you appear quite elderly to be driving." "Well,...
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Paintar
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171
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Big Cucumber
(Preview)
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Phillipn
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233
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Glass Coffins
(Preview)
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Phillipn
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222
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For lunch the old man made hamburgers...
(Preview)
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, Larry was concerned about the plates as it appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, Are you sure these plates are clean?Without looking up the old man said, I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water ca...
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aussie_paul
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1
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381
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Affair
(Preview)
Three men are talking about their wives at a bar. The first man says, I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. Last week I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they werent mine. The second man says, I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. This week I found a wrench u...
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Possum3
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369
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Quite so....
(Preview)
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aussie_paul
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1
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417
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Advertisement
(Preview)
A woman called the local newspaper and asked, How much do funeral notices cost? Its $5 per word, Maam, the man on the other end of the phone said. Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy? Yes, Maam. OK, write this: Cohen died. Im sorry, Maam, I forgot to tell you theres a five word minimum. Oh, she answere...
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Possum3
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391
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The truth hurts.....
(Preview)
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aussie_paul
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350
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Groundcrew
(Preview)
Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck with nothing to do. "Man, I wish we had something to drink," Jim said. "Me too," Dave replied. "I heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz, you want to try it?...
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Possum3
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1
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409
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Senior Golf.
(Preview)
Arthur is 75 years old. Hes played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. Thats it, he tells his wife. Im giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldnt see where it went. His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As t...
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Possum3
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478
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In a crowded city at a busy bus stop...
(Preview)
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and wit...
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aussie_paul
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390
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Arizona bikers...
(Preview)
Arizona bikers were riding South on the US-93 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Hoover Dam Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the StateTrooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "...
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aussie_paul
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449
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Guess who.
(Preview)
An angry husband stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when Im finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dess...
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Possum3
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404
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How high?
(Preview)
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a five metre fence. Surprisingly, he was out the very next morning, happily jumping around the zoo. A 10-metre fence was then put up, but again, he got out. When the fence was 20 metres high, a c...
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Possum3
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439
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Large donation
(Preview)
A church is handing around the donations box. To entice more donations, the priest says: Whoever donates the most money for the church can choose three hymns at the end of the service. The box makes its way back to the Priest and he looks through it. Shocked, he pulls out a cheque: Who donated $1000?! An o...
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Possum3
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457
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Plays requests.
(Preview)
A woman on board a cruise ship is not impressed by the jazz trio in one of the restaurants. When her waiter comes around, she asks: "Will they play anything I request?" "Of course," replies the waiter. "Then tell them to go play chess," she says.
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Possum3
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385
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Tell mommy
(Preview)
She is a smart kid and did as father told her to do. Hello. Hi Honey. This is daddy. Is Mommy near the phone? No daddy. She is upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul. After a short pause, daddy says: but honey, you dont have an uncle Paul. Oh yes, mommy says I do and he is upstairs with mommy in the bedroom righ...
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Possum3
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388
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Authority.
(Preview)
A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs. I said Okay, but dont go in that field over there. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me! Reaching into his rear pants pocket, th...
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Possum3
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366
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Mommys balloons
(Preview)
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same qu...
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Paintar
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381
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Birth control pills
(Preview)
A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next check-up, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandm...
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Paintar
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391
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