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An assassin is making his way home when he stops at a village pub. He is driving a convertible and doesn't want to leave his "equipment" on display, so takes a long case into the pub with him. A short while later, a man sits next to him and they chat while enjoying their beers. Inevitably, talk turns to t...

I accidentally pushed a light switch and the off switch at the same time, which has now cancelled out the on / off of the original light switches to 80% of interior lights. I remember having to reprogram our last Jayco RV Optimum Under similar circumstances, I cannot find any written documentation reg...

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 in the morning... and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, 'I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.' The officer then asks, 'Really? Who is g...

Start you bastard

I was watching Match of the Day last Saturday when the missus walks in and says 'fancy a sh4g?' 'I'm watching the football love' 'You do know that you can record it', she says. 'Cool, you grab the camcorder and I'll join you when the footy's finished'

IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses c...

FINALLY...THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressive...

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The Doctor asks: "What's the problem? The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me." The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is...

My wife packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman. "I want you to go!" she screamed. I said, "Please can we just talk about it first?" "Go on, I'm listening." she replied. I sat down and said, "It was the most amazing experience of my entire life."

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburnt, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says snickering, if you were a gentlemen you'd lift your hat. He raised an eyebrow and replied, If you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?' The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.' 'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answ...

Two blokes are chatting in their hospital beds. 'What are you in for?' says the first. 'Camera down the throat', the other replies. 'Oh, endoscopy?' the first man asks. 'Yes', he says. 'Checking for stomach cancer.' What about you? 'Camera up the back passage', he says. 'Oh, colonoscopy, checking...

Gday fellow nomads, as I live in WA and we dont have tolls can someone explain to me how I go about using them? Specifically between Newcastle & Gold Coast on the M1. Is there a toll on this part of the road and what are the costs of travelling with a caravan. Similarly tolls in and around Brisbane. Chee...

Goodbye Australian Cricket. After super captain announcement and the naming arrangements for Fridays Test, you have lost me. Denmark and Ireland will get my support now.

Hey people. Melanoma has been in the news heavily recently. I had three spots zapped last week. Can finally shave near the left jawbone now after one of them has settled down a bit. Just a reminder for all to consider making a booking, as at our (respective) ages, it is a critical medical visit I think. Th...

Ours is up and out, will probably get wet again. But Happy Australia Day to ALL.

HOW TO HAVE SEX WHILE ON LOCKDOWN WITH THE KIDS IN THE HOUSE. The only way to pull off a lockdown afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities. He began his commentary as his parents put t...

Hi Travellers, Can anyone suggest where to buy second hand books. Favourite authors are Gregg Herwitz, Michael Connelly, Alafair Bourke and Lee Child. Many thanks Norm