Number 9: Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Number 8: Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7: Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6: Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart.   [If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.]

Number 5: Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months,
maybe years.

Number4: Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3: All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2: In the 1960s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1: Life is like a jar of peppers.  What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow. 

...and as someone recently said to me: Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.