Distraught husband filed a report on his missing wife.
Husband: My wife Misty went shopping two days ago and still has not returned home.
Officer: What is her height?
Husband: I never noticed.
Officer: Slim or healthy?
Husband: Not slim, can be healthy.
Officer: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Officer: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes according to the season.
Officer: What was she wearing?
Husband: Pant suit or dress, I dont remember exactly.
Officer: Was she going in a car?
Husband: Yes.
Officer: Tell me the make, model, color and license number plus any outstanding details of the car.
Husband: Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 liter V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. It has full LED headlights which use light emitting diodes for all light functions. License is HAS-GO! and it has a very thin scratch on the left front door.
Then the husband started crying.
Officer: Don't worry sir, we will find your car.
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Do Not Regret Growing Old, It Is A Privilege Denied To Many.
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
Ill grant you your fondest wish, the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, I want a spectacular job. A job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try.
Ala kazam, shazza and dazza, mumble fumble, something by fazza! said the genie.
Aha, there we are. Youre a housewife.
A feisty 70-year-old woman had to call a furnace repairman.
After a quick inspection the man put some oil into the motor and handed her a $70 bill for labour.
"Labour charges!" she exclaimed. "It only took you five minutes."
The repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call.
"Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labour," the lady responded, and she handed him a rake.
The repairman spent the next 55 minutes in her yard bagging leaves.
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'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the Divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 'That's very fair, your Honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
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When I was 28, I was teaching English in a high school where occasionally the faculty and staff were allowed to dress down. One of those days I donned a sweatshirt and slacks.
A student came in, and his eyes widened. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "You should wear clothes like that every day. You look, like, twenty years younger."
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A bear walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a gin...and tonic."
Bartender says, "Sure buddy, but what's up with the long pause?"
The bear looks at his hands and says, "I dunno, my dad had them too."
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"I think a secure profession for young people is history teacher, because in the future, there will be so much more of it to teach." --Bill Muse
Aussie Paul.
-- Edited by aussie_paul on Wednesday 17th of September 2014 09:31:12 PM
