I used to think I was pretty much just a regular person, but I was born white, into a two-parent household which now, whether I like it or not, makes me privileged, a racist and responsible for slavery.

I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today's standards, makes me a fascist because I plan, budget, and support myself.

I went to Grammar School and have always held a job. But I now find out that I am not here because I earned it, but because I was "advantaged".

I am heterosexual, which according to some folks, now makes me a homophobe.

I am not a Muslim, which now labels me as an infidel.

I am older than 70, making me a useless eater who doesn't understand Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or Snapchat.

I think, and I reason, and I doubt most of what the mainstream media tells me, which makes me a Right-wing conspiracy nut.

I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive culture, making me a xenophobe.

I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair reward according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.

I believe our system guarantees freedom of effort - not freedom of outcome or subsidies which must make me a borderline sociopath.

I believe in the defence and protection of my nation for and by all citizens, now making me a militant.

I am proud of our flag, what it stands for, and the many who died to let it fly, so I stand during our National Anthem - so I must be a racist.

Please help me come to terms with the new me because I'm just not sure who I am anymore!

Funny - it all took place over the last decade!

If all this nonsense wasn't enough to deal with, now I don't even know which toilet to use... and these days I gotta go more frequently!