-      Last week I was helping my partially deaf nan move home, and I kept on finding wads of money pushed down the backs of chairs and stuffed into rolled up socks. When I asked her why shed done this she said that her financial adviser had told her that she should put her savings into socks and chairs

-      People have always named their children after expensive things, eg Mercedes, Dior, Chardonnay etc. Next year, watch out for Electric, Gas and Diesel.

-      My girlfriend asked me to put tomato sauce on the shopping list... now I cant read anything

-      Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a persons walk, and the result was staggering.

-      Im trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

-      I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, Aisle B, back.