Why do professional athletes think I should care about what they think? If I wanted advice from someone who chases a ball, Id ask my dog.

Grandma once said Sometimes you have to hug the people you dont like so you know how big to dig the hole in your backyard.

Seeing how some people wear their masks I can now see why contraceptives fail.

I thought it was the dryer making my clothes shrink but it turns out it was the refrigerator.

Isnt it weird being the same age as old people?

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. No surprise really it was an Apple. But it had extremely limited memory, just 1 bite, then everything crashed.

I was in a bar last night when the waitress screamed Does anyone know CPR?. I said Hey, I know the whole alphabet. Everyone laughed ..... well everyone except this one bloke.

I told my suitcases that, because of Covid, there would be no holidays this year. Now Im dealing with emotional baggage.

Fun fact: Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men actually spend thinking.

A bloke is suing for divorce. He tells the judge I cant take it any more. Every night she is out until way after midnight going from bar to bar.
The judge asks Whats she doing? The bloke answers Looking for me.