The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Al McGuire 

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. Albert Einstein 

War is Gods way of teaching Americans geography. Ambrose Bierce

At every party there are two kinds of people those who want to go home and those who dont. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. Ann Landers 

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that Im right. Ashleigh Brilliant 

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. Bill Watterson 

 As a child my familys menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. Buddy Hackett 

 My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine. Caroline Rhea 

 All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. Casey Stengel 

 Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. Dave Barry