* If my body is found on or near a 'jogging trail', be rest assured that I was murdered somewhere else and dumped there.

* Respect your elders; they graduated from school without benefit of the Internet.

* I've decided I'm NOT old; I'm 25 plus shipping and handling.

* Why do I have to 'Press 1 for English'? Did Australia move?

* We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control!

* Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

* Vegetarian: The ancient tribal name for the village idiot who can't hunt, fish or light fires!

* I look at people sometimes and think "REALLY? That's the sperm that won?"

* In my defence, I was left unsupervised.

* My decision making skills sometimes closely resemble a possum trying to cross a busy highway.

* Some things are just better left unsaid - and I usually realize it right after I say them.

* Camping: Where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

* I always thought that getting older would take much longer than this.