A teacher asked her class to name things that ended with 'tor', that ate things. The first little boy said "Alligator". "Very good James, that's a big word". The second boy said "Predator". "Yes, that's another big word, Josh. Very well done". Little Johnny says "Vibrator". After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything". "Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!
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My wife told me she wanted to enter a diving competition. I thought "Ooookaay, that's not a good idea". Then it occurred to me that she had a possible advantage. If she goes first, the rest will be diving into an empty pool.
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Paddy drags a huge metal box to the Antiques Roadshow, when it was recently visiting Dublin. "Where did you get that from?" the expert asks. "It's been in my loft for 40 years. I think it's an heirloom" says Paddy. "Do you have insurance?" asks the expert. "No, should I?" asks Paddy. "Yes" says the expert "it's your hot water tank".
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Two eggs get married and go on honeymoon. On the first night the female starts feeling raunchy, so she puts on her sexiest egg lingerie, lies on the bed and whispers "Come and get me, big boy". The male egg looks at her and rushes into the bathroom. When he re-emerges, he's wearing a hard hat. She looks at him puzzled and asks why in the hell he's wearing a hard hat. He replies "Last time I was this hard, I got hit on the head with a spoon".
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I can't believe the number of people who came to my summer pool party. If I had known how many would turn up I would have hired some more cues.
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Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said "Well, I eat a lot of rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies".
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the sales lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said "I want five loaves".
The sales lady said "My goodness... five loaves? By the time you get to the third loaf, it'll be hard".
The 80-year old man replied "I can't believe everybody knows about this sh1t but me".
