A man asks a farmer near a field "Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train".
The farmer says "Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you'll even catch the 4:11 one".
My parents recently retired. Mum always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.
"Oh, we returned the piano" said My Dad "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead".
"How come?" I asked. "Because" he answered "with a clarinet, she can't sing".
A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second chap said "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five dollars a hole?"
The first chap said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second chap won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second chap was busy counting his $80. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the local vicar. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The vicar said "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings".
The pro said "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The vicar said "Well, you could come to Church on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll be happy to marry them".
My local golf shop is selling all its stock to stay in business. The putters, the drivers and the irons are all gone, but they are not out of the woods yet.
