A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship" the wife explained. "He studied communications, and I studied theatre arts. He communicates really well, and I just act as if I'm listening".
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A nun walks into the Mother Superior's office and plonks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asked Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family". "It was" sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ".
"I seem to recall that" Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it" snorted the Sister. "In fact, I used profane language today".
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped Mother Superior. "You must tell me all about it!" "Well, we were on the 5th tee - and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540-yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I've ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!"
"Oh my" commiserated Mother Superior. "How unfortunate. But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister". "No, that wasn't it" admitted the Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway".
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme". sympathised Mother Superior. "But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws".
"So that's when you cursed" said Mother Superior with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either" cried the Sister, anguished "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup".
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "Missed the freaking putt, didn't you?"
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand-new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says "Okay old fart, time for you to retire". The old rooster replies "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over!"
The old rooster says "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop". The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start".
The old rooster takes off running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and *BOOM* he blows the young rooster to bits!
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month".
Moral of the Story: Don't mess with the OLD FARTS! Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance.
Tyrone asked his work buddy, Joe, one morning "Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?" Joe replied "That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work".
Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning.
"That's easy" Joe said. "I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it! It goes like this:
Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue, I love waking up and making love to you!"
Tyrone said "Man, you white guys are so damn sentimental". But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try. So he spent the rest of the day thinking of a poem for his wife.
The next day Tyrone showed up to work just beat to hell - bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works!!
Joe asked "Man, what happened to you?!" Tyrone said "I don't know, man. I went home and tried your advice. I just told her a poem".
"Well, what poem did you tell her?" Tyrone said:
"Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog. If I could roll your fat ass over, I'd hump you like a dog".
