At dinner, a little boy was forced to lead the family into prayer. Little Boy "But I don't know how to pray". Dad says "Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbours, the poor, etc". Little Boy says "Dear Lord, thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbour's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's iPhone, and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mum's room when daddy is at work. Amen".
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A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles". "She did" he replied. "But where the hell was I going to find a fake Jeep?"
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The office Christmas party is nearly here, a time when my colleagues get pissed and have fun while I sit in the corner feeling lonely and desperate. Or Angela and Denise from Accounts, as they're usually known.
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THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: 1. You believe in Santa Claus. 2. You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3. You are Santa Claus. 4. You look like Santa Claus.
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A Christmas word of advice... it's nearing the festive season again and so just a reminder that a doggy is not just for Christmas, it's a great position all year round.
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Accidentally dropped my Viagra tablets this morning, right after I took one. I felt like a complete idiot crawling around on all fives looking for them.
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A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the stockings. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away".
Santa replies "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know".
The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice "Oh, Santa, don't run a mile, just stay for a while".
Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know".
The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh, Santa. Please. Stay". Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know".
She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... please... stay..."
Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, gotta stay, gotta stay! Can't get up the chimney this way!"
