It's only 18 days to Christmas. I HATE Christmas. Whoever invented it should be crucified.
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I was walking along minding my own business when all of a sudden, the pavement spontaneously started viciously attacking me. How was I to know it was a psycho path?
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Gave the wife a handmade bra that I'd got from a craft fair, and told her it was made from sheepdog hair. "Aww, how sweet" she giggled. "Is that to keep my boobies nice and warm?" "No, but it'll round them up and point them in the right direction."
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I was chatting to a guy at work the other day and he said he was adopted and had been raised by two gay men. He ended up pretty annoyed with me and I can't understand why. I only asked "If they reared him together or took turns ".
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A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a turban, who was eating fresh shrimp. Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to deflect it. Eventually, she'd had enough and pulled the emergency cord. The Muslim looked at her and said "You'll get fined $250 for doing that, you stupid Catholic bitch". She laughed and said "When I cry out rape and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years!
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A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news" says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant". "Go for it doc" says the man "as long as I can play golf again!"
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved". "That's great" said the surgeon.
"Not only that" continued the golfer "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours".
"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, just two, said the golfer "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache".
