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On a bulletin board: Success Is Relative. 

The more The Success, The more The Relatives. 

When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking....

I Gave Up Reading 

My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses....

He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle. 

Sign In A Bar: 'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget,

Please do Pay In Advance.'   

Sign In Driving School: If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive,

Don't Stand In Her Way....

Behind Every Great Man,

There Is A Surprised Woman.

The Reason Men Lie Is Because

Women Ask too Many Questions.

Getting Caught

Is The Mother Of Invention. 

Laugh And The World Laughs With You,

Snore And You sleep Alone

The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe

Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us. 

Sign At A Barber's Shop:

We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business. 

Sign In A Restaurant: All Drinking Water In This Establishment

Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.

Aussie Paul.