Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: Aye, Aye Sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this is not what I dictated to Flags.

"..........What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry Sir."

Nelson, -'reading the Signals aloud'- : "England expects every person to do his or her duty regardless of race, gender,sexual orientation,

religious persuasion, or disability........"What gobbledgook nonsense is this for God's sake Hardy?"

Hardy: "Admirality policy, I'm afraid Saar..we're an equal opportunities employer now.

Saaar, we had the devil's own job getting "England" past the PC censors, lest it now be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy....do hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy" 'Sorry Saar....all our Naval vessels have now been designated smoke -free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case my good man, break open the rum ration...Let us splice the main brace,....to steel the men for battle."

Sorry again Saar"The rum ration has been abolished Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking Saar".

Nelson: Dammmn it man!..We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in all history....we must advance with all despatch!.......

..Report from the Crows Nest, please Hardy...

Hardy: Fraid' that won't be possible either Saar."

Nelson: "What??"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the Crows Nest, Saar...no harness apparently; and they said rope ladders don't meet regulations.

They won't let anyone up there....toooo dangerous...until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson:...Then dammn, dammn....get me the ship's carpenter forthwith and without further delay, Hardy."

Hardy: Sorry once again Saar, "He's busy knocking up a wheel chair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access??....wheelchair access?.....I've never heard anything so dammn absurd."

Hardy: Health and Safety again Saaaar......we now have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently-abled."

Nelson: "Differently-abled?....look at me man, I've only one arm and one eye, and I refuse to even hear mention of those words,

'One' didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing a disability card."

Hardy: Actually, Sir, you did...The Royal Navy found itself under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: " I've never heard of such infamy...break out the cannons on the lower decks, and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "There have been murmurings Saaar, the men are worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "Whhhhattttt". That is mutinous treason"......

Hardy: "It's not Sir...its just they are afraid of being charged with murder by the "International Courts" if they actually kill anyone...

It appears there are a couple of Legal-Aid Lawyers on board, watching us all like veritable hawks"........,

Nelson: "Then how, may I ask, are we to sink the French and the Spanish standing before us?"....

Hardy: "Actually ,Sir,, apparently we're not."

Nelson: Good God man...we're NOT?".....

Hardy: "No, Sir,...The French and the Spanish are our 'European Partners' now....and according to the 'Common Fisheries Policy,

we shouldn't even be in this particular stretch of water....we will likely get hit for a claim for Compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the Devil.:......

Hardy: "We really should keep one's voice down Sir,..I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you say that Sir,...

You'll likely be up on a disciplinary report."

Nelsson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of our 'King'......"

Hardy: "Beggin' your pardon once again Sir,..we must be inclusive in this multicultural age.

Now put on your Kevlar vest,..its the rules Sir....it could save one's life..."

Nelson: "Don't tell me - 'HEALTH & SAFETY'...what on earth ever happened to rum, sodomy, and the lash?".....

Hardy: "As I explained Sir, rum is off the menu!...and there's a total ban on Corporal Punishment."

Nelson: "What about homosexuality?".....

Hardy:..."Ahhhh now,..... that I believe is now quite legal, Sir."

Nelson "In that case.............'Kiss Me Hardy'..."

Hoo Roo

-- Edited by goldfinger on Tuesday 5th of April 2016 05:25:37 PM

-- Edited by goldfinger on Tuesday 5th of April 2016 05:27:16 PM