1.  I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue :

'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall' -Eleanor Roosevelt.

2.  I was married by a Judge..I should have asked for a Jury. -Groucho Marx

3.  My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. -Jimmy Durante

4.  Until I was thirteen, I really thought my name was SHUT UP!  -Joe Namath

5. I really don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then its time for my nap. -Bob Hope

6.I never drink water because of all the disgusting things that fish do in it. -W.C. Fields

7. Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty....but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out...-Phyllis Diller

8. Don't worry about avoiding temptation...As you grow older, it will avoid you.  -Winston Churchill

9.  By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. 

     My cardiologist's diet:....If it tastes good , spit it out immediately.....    -Billy Crystal

10.  I have never hated a man enough Darlink,....to hever give his diamonds backkk.   -Zsa Zsa Gabor

11.  By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy,

       if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

12.  Only Irish Coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:

       alcohol,caffeine, sugar, and fat.     -Alex Levine

13. My luck is so bad if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.  -Rodney Dangerfield

14.  Money can't buy you happiness...but it does bring you a much more pleasant form of misery.  -Spike Milligan

15. Sometimes when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should

      have remained a virgin...."    - Lillian Carter <mother of Jimmy Carter>

16. Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.   -Victor Borge

17.  Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.  -Mark Twain

      Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen or met.

       I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. -Mark Twain

18.  The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending:

        and to have the two as close together as possible.  -George Burns

..My toast when drinking my favourite Bundy overproof.......May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more,

                                   and may nothing but happiness come through your door.

Hoo Roo