The  1st Affair
A married man was having  an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her  place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell  asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and  told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and  dirt.

He then put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have  you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he  replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all  afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You  lying bastard!
You've been playing golf  again!'



The 2nd Affair  

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always  talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for  the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered  a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to  see his new son.

He was horrified to see the ugliest child
he  had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the  father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I  fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife  smiled sweetly and replied:
Not this time!'


The 3rd Affair  

A mortician was  working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr.  Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling  discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever  seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I  can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It  must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into  his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something here
you  won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My  God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'


The 4th  Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her  husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the  corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with  talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend  you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he  entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths  bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was  said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband  got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a  beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like  that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned  thing.'


The 5th Affair

A man walked into a  cafe,
went to the counter and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir,  that'll be one penny.'

'One penny?' the man exclaimed.

He  glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and  a bottle of wine?'

'A pound,' the barman replied.

'A pound?'  exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The  bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked:  'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender  replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down  here.'

The 6th & Best  Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked  up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's  no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die  in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best  friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest  and let the poison work.'

..............................................................