Edward Longshanks (Edward I of England) comes to Scotland to conquer the Scots. He brings 4,000 men with him. As he nears the battlefield, there suddenly appears a solitary figure on the crest of the hill, a short, ginger-haired guy in a kilt. 'Hammer O the Scots?' yells the wee Scottish guy on the hill. Come up here, ya English bastards, and I'll give ye a hammerin!
Edward turns to his commander. 'Send 20 men to deal with that little Scottish upstart, he says.
The commander sends twenty of his best men over the hill to kill the Scotsman.
Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill, the little Scot appears again. 'Ya English diddies!' he yells. 'Come on the rest of ye!! Come on, I'll have ye all!'
Edward is getting somewhat annoyed. He turns to his commander. 'Send 100 men to kill that little guttersnipe!' The commander sends 100 men over the hill to do the job.
Ten minutes later, the little Scot appears at the top of the hill once more, his hair all sticking up, his shirt a wee bit torn. 'Ya English SCUM!' he yells. 'I'm just warming up!! Come and get me, ya English ****e!!'
Edward loses patience. 'Commander, take 400 men and personally WIPE HIM OFF THE EARTH!' he yells. The commander gulps, but leads four hundred men on horseback over the crest of the hill.
Ten minutes later, the little Scotsman is back. His clothing is all torn, his face is covered in blood, snot and irn-bru. 'Is that the best ye can do??? You're bloody WUMMIN!!! Come on!! Come and have a go ya bunch of English ****e!!!' he yells.
Edward turns to his second in command. 'Take 1,000 men over that hill and don't come back 'til you've killed him!' he commands. The second in command gathers the men and they ride off over the hill to their fate.
A while later, one of the English troops appears back at the top of the hill. He's covered in blood and his clothes are all torn. 'Your Majesty!' he yells,
An American tourist was visiting the Western Isles of Scotland and started chatting to an old man on a small island. "What do you do here for a living and entertainment". Well said the old man "We have Fishing and Fornication". "Gee, it must get pretty wild here in the winter" said the American.
"Oh goodness me, we don't fish in the winter" :)
