A little old manshuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
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It is better to keep your mouth closed, and let people think you are fool than to open it, and remove all doubt.
Couldn't possibly comment on crushed nuts but make bold enough to talk about broken wind!
My late wife's grandmother had discovered gas (her son-in-law's term for it). She broke wind with monotonous regularity and her favourite saying was, "Where e'er ye be, let your wind blow free..."
