Wordplay for Lexophiles:



1.  I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.  Then it hit me.
  
2.  Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a  rest.
  
3.   Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?  He's all right now.
  
4.    To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
  
5.    The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  
6.    A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
  
7.    When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A
  
8.    The math professor went crazy with the blackboard.  He did a number on it!
  
9.    The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
  
10.   The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
  
11.   A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
  
12.   A bicycle can't stand alone; it is just two-tired.
  
13.   A will is a dead giveaway.
  
14.   A backward poet writes inverse.
  
15.   A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
  
16.   With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
  
17.   A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in linoleum blownapart.
  
18.   He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
  
19.   A calendar's days are numbered.
  
20.   A boiled egg is hard to beat.
  
21.   If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine 
  
22.   When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
  
23.   Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
  
24.   Acupuncture: a jab well done 
 
25. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

26. The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.  

27. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.  
 
28. Could you call the thief who fell into wet cement a hardened criminal?

29. Could thieves who steal corn from a garden be charged with stalking?
 
30. Are Santa's helpers subordinate clauses?

31. If you take a laptop computer for a run, could you jog your memory?

32. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

33. In a democracy it's your vote that counts - in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

34. If you don't pay your exorcist can you get repossessed?

35. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

36. When a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds?

37. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

38. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

39. Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

40. A lot of money is tainted - 'taint yours and 'taint mine.

41. He had a photographic memory - which was never developed.

42. Is a plateau a high form of flattery?

43. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

44. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

45. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

46. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

47. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

48. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

49. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

50. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

51. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

52. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:   'Keep off the Grass.'

53. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

54. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have  the balls to do it.

55. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

56. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!