Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed Trump Sucks in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says Mr President, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is we've done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it's Mike Pence's. That traitor , shouts Trump. I'll have him hanged! Now, what did you say was the bad news? Well , says the SS chief, turns out it's Melania's handwriting .

Nescafe and the Pope

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee."

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed."

"Well," said the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."

"My son, it is impossible, for the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer.... We will donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'

Please consider it."

And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.

"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million.'"

"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"We're losing the Wonder-Bread account."

The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The patient said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."

The Doctor says "I've got good news and bad news."

"Give me the good news first Doc!"

"Well, since your last full physical your penis has grown an inch and a half longer."

"That's amazing! What's the bad news?"

"It's malignant."

After the surgery, the plastic surgeon said to his male patient "I have good news and bad news."

The patient said "Tell me the bad news first." The doctor replied "I'm sorry, but we couldn't make your penis larger."

The patient then said "What's the good news?"

The doctor said "We were able to make your hands really small."

The Egyptian royal barge returns to harbour after a long day ferrying the pharaoh up and down the Nile. The captain says to the tired oarsmen 'Right, lads, I've got good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?'

The oarsmen consult among themselves and decide they fancy some good news first.

'The good news,' says the captain, 'Is that from now on your rations are doubled. The oarsmen cheer and start talking excitedly amongst themselves.

'The bad news,' says the captain, 'Is that Pharoah wants to try water-skiing.'