check out the new remote control Jockey Wheel SmartBar Topargee products Enginesaver Low Water Alarms
Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Click here for the Grey Nomads website -> The Grey Nomads Forum -> Just Joking -> Not for Old Testament religious people with no sense of humour
Post Info TOPIC: Not for Old Testament religious people with no sense of humour
Mike Harding


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 4706
Date:
Not for Old Testament religious people with no sense of humour
Permalink  

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a U.S. radio personality who dispenses

advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said

that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination

according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any

circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura.

 

Dear Dr. Laura:

 

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law.

I  have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that

knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to

defend the homosexual  lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them

that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. ...

End of debate.

 

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the

other specific laws and how to follow them.

 

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it

creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my

neighbors.  They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I

smite them?

 

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in

Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair

price for her?

 

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in

her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem

is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

 

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male

and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A

friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not

Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

 

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus

35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally

obligated to kill him myself?

 

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is

an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than

homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

 

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I

have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading

glasses.  Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle

room here?

 

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the

hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden

by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

 

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig

makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

 

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two

different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing

garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester

blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really

necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town

together to stone them? -Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them

to death at a private family affair like we do with people who

sleep with their in-laws? -Lev. 20:14.

 

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident

you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is

eternal and unchanging.

 



__________________

 

"I beseech you in the bowels of Christ think it possible you may be mistaken"

Oliver Cromwell, 3rd August 1650 - in a letter to the General Assembly of the Kirk of Scotland
peter67


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1544
Date:
Permalink  

Very clever.

__________________

I reserve the right to arm bears :)
DMaxer


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 2048
Date:
Permalink  

Try Deuteronomy Chapter 23 verse 1. Anyone who has played cricket or had the chain break on the push bike when you were a kid doesnt have much chance later on.

__________________
DMaxer


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 2048
Date:
Permalink  

For those without their bible it goes something likehe that is wounded in the stones or has his privy member cut off shall not enter the congregation of the Lord.

__________________
Ivan 01


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 877
Date:
Permalink  

You blokes have no respect at all for Monty Python biggrin biggrin

Keep this up and we will have Biggus Dickus making a contribution.



__________________

Welcome to Biggs Country many may know it as Australia

This members posts may contain;

The actual truth

If offended, scroll on by.
dorian


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 4188
Date:
Permalink  

I guess if you've ignored the warning in the subject title, and then gone to look for your glasses, you've rejected two chances to avoid offense. ;-|

__________________

"No friend ever served me, and no enemy ever wronged me, whom I have not repaid in full."

Lucius Cornelius Sulla - died 78 BC 

 
Magnarc


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1285
Date:
Permalink  

The Bible is one of the greatest works of fiction ever written. From time immemorial it has been used to control the masses and perpetuate a myth, in the case of one western religion control was exercised by sending people on massive guilt trips that can only be corrected by confessing their so called sins. It's time that all these "religions" were made to pay income tax.

In the words of the forum forest dweller,

Bah! Humbug!!!!!!!!!!



__________________

Those who wish to reap the blessings of freedom must, as men, endure the fatigue of defending it.

Thomas Paine.

 
Mike Harding


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 4706
Date:
Permalink  

Magnarc wrote:

In the words of the forum forest dweller,

Bah! Humbug!!!!!!!!!!

 Love it! :)



__________________

 

"I beseech you in the bowels of Christ think it possible you may be mistaken"

Oliver Cromwell, 3rd August 1650 - in a letter to the General Assembly of the Kirk of Scotland
Plain Truth


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1532
Date:
Permalink  

The Avatars say it all.



__________________
Mike Harding


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 4706
Date:
Permalink  

PT: surely you can't seriously take the Old Testament as...eeerrr... gospel?



__________________

 

"I beseech you in the bowels of Christ think it possible you may be mistaken"

Oliver Cromwell, 3rd August 1650 - in a letter to the General Assembly of the Kirk of Scotland
Plain Truth


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1532
Date:
Permalink  

Mike Harding wrote:

PT: surely you can't seriously take the Old Testament as...eeerrr... gospel?

 Hi Mike, Maybe I should clarify my post, I love a joke and I found no offence in the joke.

My reply was to comments following the joke.

Surely you can't seriously believe you came out of a primeval .....eeeer... swamp?



__________________
Mike Harding


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 4706
Date:
Permalink  

Plain Truth wrote:

Surely you can't seriously believe you came out of a primeval .....eeeer... swamp?

 Oh yes! I think I did... which would account for much :)

 

 



__________________

 

"I beseech you in the bowels of Christ think it possible you may be mistaken"

Oliver Cromwell, 3rd August 1650 - in a letter to the General Assembly of the Kirk of Scotland
Plain Truth


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1532
Date:
Permalink  

Mike Harding wrote:
Plain Truth wrote:

Surely you can't seriously believe you came out of a primeval .....eeeer... swamp?

 Oh yes! I think I did... which would account for much :)

 

 

Yes, some people would jump on that statement,but you under estimate your self ( you slimy devil, ha ha.)
Lookup the miracle of eyesight,on the internet the swamp idea looks weak.
Hope to see you out in the bush some time.

 



__________________
dorian


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 4188
Date:
Permalink  

PT, if you follow the illogical path of the laryngeal nerve in a giraffe, you will understand that no intelligent designer could have been responsible for it.

__________________

"No friend ever served me, and no enemy ever wronged me, whom I have not repaid in full."

Lucius Cornelius Sulla - died 78 BC 

 
Plain Truth


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1532
Date:
Permalink  

Another Richards Dawkins follower



__________________
dorian


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 4188
Date:
Permalink  

If, according to Genesis, man was created in God's image, why must every male member of his chosen race (not you or I) be circumcised? Was the foreskin a design error?

__________________

"No friend ever served me, and no enemy ever wronged me, whom I have not repaid in full."

Lucius Cornelius Sulla - died 78 BC 

 
Plain Truth


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 1532
Date:
Permalink  

dorian wrote:

If, according to Genesis, man was created in God's image, why must every male member of his chosen race (not you or I) be circumcised? Was the foreskin a design error?

 Circumcision is a covenant between God and the male Israelite's in Old Testament,not required in the new testament covenant.

 

 



__________________
dorian


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 4188
Date:
Permalink  

Plain Truth wrote:
dorian wrote:

If, according to Genesis, man was created in God's image, why must every male member of his chosen race (not you or I) be circumcised? Was the foreskin a design error?

 Circumcision is a covenant between God and the male Israelite's in Old Testament,not required in the new testament covenant. 

You have avoided my question. 



__________________

"No friend ever served me, and no enemy ever wronged me, whom I have not repaid in full."

Lucius Cornelius Sulla - died 78 BC 

 
Whenarewethere


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 7579
Date:
Permalink  

Magnarc wrote:

The Bible is one of the greatest works of fiction ever written.

 Surely not!

 

272149842_357428172880403_2768739545157796223_n.jpg



__________________

Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

50L custom fuel rack 6x20W 100/20mppt 4x26Ah gel 28L super insulated fridge TPMS 3 ARB compressors heatsink fan cooled 4L tank aftercooler Air/water OCD cleaning 4 stage car acoustic insulation.
Mike Harding


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 4706
Date:
Permalink  

Plain Truth wrote:
Hope to see you out in the bush some time.

 

Indeed :) Maybe around Mitta Mitta again in the mid to late summer?



__________________

 

"I beseech you in the bowels of Christ think it possible you may be mistaken"

Oliver Cromwell, 3rd August 1650 - in a letter to the General Assembly of the Kirk of Scotland
DMaxer


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 2048
Date:
Permalink  

Despite detailing some violent views that were held during that period and which were more than likely based on personal interpretations of the scriptures, The Old Testament is regarded as an accurate historical source and relied upon by noted historians and academics.

__________________
dorian


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 4188
Date:
Permalink  

Methuselah lived for 969 years. That kinda distorts the timescales a little, and puts a new perspective on all the begetting that was going on. I don't know how any historian could reliably separate fact from fiction using such numbers. I suppose that Egyptian hieroglyphic records might provide some insight into the time when the Israelites were enslaved in Egypt.

__________________

"No friend ever served me, and no enemy ever wronged me, whom I have not repaid in full."

Lucius Cornelius Sulla - died 78 BC 

 
Mike Harding


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 4706
Date:
Permalink  

DMaxer wrote:

Despite detailing some violent views that were held during that period and which were more than likely based on personal interpretations of the scriptures, The Old Testament is regarded as an accurate historical source and relied upon by noted historians and academics.

It may well be, more or less, historically accurate (Noah and his arc?) but it seems to me it was largely used as a source for teaching and most of its parables are contrived in order to instruct in good morality and social order. We should remember these were societies where virtually no one had any education at all and people rarely travelled more than walking distance from their birth place.

eg. The constraints on eating pig meat and filter feeders were sensible then as were directions not to have sex with family and such - I'm sure some of the teachings were excessive (that's laws for you eh Dmaxer?) but on the whole they were a reasonable set of rules by which to live and supporting them with the power of God no doubt ensured most of the trouble makers and inveterate rule breakers (people like me :) ) were less inclined to flout them.

But... that's the trouble with attributing things directly to "The Word of God" as time moves on and eg. prawns become healthy eating it's very hard to amend it and say "We've decided God was a bit wrong about the prawns and bacon although sex with your sister is still right out."



__________________

 

"I beseech you in the bowels of Christ think it possible you may be mistaken"

Oliver Cromwell, 3rd August 1650 - in a letter to the General Assembly of the Kirk of Scotland
DMaxer


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 2048
Date:
Permalink  

The likes of you and I don't understand most of it Mike but theologians with intricate historical knowledge certainly have given it plenty of credence.

By the way, the parables are a product of The New Testament, The Old Testament is an historical account of the Hebrew/Jewish nation.



__________________
Mike Harding


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 4706
Date:
Permalink  

DMaxer wrote:

 By the way, the parables are a product of The New Testament

 "The Parables" certainly are... however most parables are not.



__________________

 

"I beseech you in the bowels of Christ think it possible you may be mistaken"

Oliver Cromwell, 3rd August 1650 - in a letter to the General Assembly of the Kirk of Scotland
Santa


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 3804
Date:
Permalink  

DMaxer wrote:

 

 The Old Testament is an historical account of the Hebrew/Jewish nation.

And what a blood thirsty, evil, vengeful,  mysogynistic lot they were.

The new testament was cobbled together by the catholic church in the second century.

Both works of fiction.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

 



__________________

Cheers,

Santa.

Moonta, Copper Coast, South Aust.
dorian


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 4188
Date:
Permalink  

Where is the Gospel according to Jesus Christ? If the word of God was so important, why did Jesus not write it down in his own infallible hand? None of the canonical gospels were actually written by Christ's disciples, so all we have are second or third hand accounts, some of which borrow from the others.

Here are the written accounts of those times which didn't make it into the Canon:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_Testament_apocrypha



__________________

"No friend ever served me, and no enemy ever wronged me, whom I have not repaid in full."

Lucius Cornelius Sulla - died 78 BC 

 
Whenarewethere


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 7579
Date:
Permalink  

The real story of this entire issue is that politics & religion got together to create one gigantic fictitious story to feather each other's nests to bleed the people dry. A great system if one is within the network.



__________________

Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

50L custom fuel rack 6x20W 100/20mppt 4x26Ah gel 28L super insulated fridge TPMS 3 ARB compressors heatsink fan cooled 4L tank aftercooler Air/water OCD cleaning 4 stage car acoustic insulation.
dorian


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 4188
Date:
Permalink  

Jesus was woke:

(114) Simon Peter said to him, "Let Mary leave us, for women are not worthy of life."
Jesus said, "I myself shall lead her in order to make her male, so that she too may become a living spirit resembling you males. For every woman who will make herself male will enter the kingdom of heaven."

From The Gospel According to Thomas:

https://web.archive.org/web/20101006054022/http://www.gnosis.org/naghamm/gthlamb.html



__________________

"No friend ever served me, and no enemy ever wronged me, whom I have not repaid in full."

Lucius Cornelius Sulla - died 78 BC 

 
Whenarewethere


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 7579
Date:
Permalink  

I like the incident of the Aboriginal boy in mission & the priest giving sermons. 

 

The priest was explaining about an apple. The Aboriginal boy said why didn't Adam eat the snake, it tastes much better. The priest said snakes are poisonous. The boy said, don't be silly, poisonous snakes don't climb trees. The priest storms out of the sermon.



__________________

Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

50L custom fuel rack 6x20W 100/20mppt 4x26Ah gel 28L super insulated fridge TPMS 3 ARB compressors heatsink fan cooled 4L tank aftercooler Air/water OCD cleaning 4 stage car acoustic insulation.
1 2  >  Last»  | Page of 2  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Click here for the Grey Nomads website -> The Grey Nomads Forum -> Just Joking -> Not for Old Testament religious people with no sense of humour
Tweet this page Post to Digg Post to Del.icio.us
Purchase Grey Nomad bumper stickers Read our daily column, the Nomad News The Grey Nomad's Guidebook