Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since seen her sister and wish to withdraw that statement. 

- Mark Twain   

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.    

- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.  

- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. 

- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife you'll become happy; if you get a bad one youll become a philosopher.   

- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. 

- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.  

- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.  

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.  

- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. 

- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. 

- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

- W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. 

- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out or spread. 

- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet:
if it tastes good spit it out.