How To Know When You Are Ready For Parenthood

MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your
hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains
with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there
all summer.

TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not
available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have
a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to
walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a
child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best)
and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep
them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into
a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with
water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Get the jug
swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit
Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be
an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8
to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to
waltz and hum with the bag until 9 PM. Lay down your bag and set your
alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you
have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them until 4:00
AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up
for 5 years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to
the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 mo. Now remove 10% of
the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on
the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the
nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your
paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper.
Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child.
Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline,
patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many
things they can improve as well. Emphasize to them that they should
never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It
will be the last time you'll have all the answers.