After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.

The wife's been hinting she want's something black and lacy for her birthday. So I've got her a pair of football boots.

Growing up with a dyslexic father had its advantages. Whenever he caught me swearing, he used to wash my mouth out with soup.

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked  the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

Anyone got an owners manual for a wife? Mine's giving off a terrible whining noise!

My wife apologised for the first time ever today. She said she's sorry she ever married me.

My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason.

Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent. It's called wedding cake.

Things turned really ugly at my house last night. The wife removed her makeup.

My wife shouted at me this morning for not opening the car door for her. I would have, but I was too busy swimming to the surface.

 Jay&Dee