Q:  Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can  prolong life.  Is this true?
A: Heart  only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste  on exercise.  Everything wear out eventually.   Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like  saying you extend life of car by driving faster.   Want to live longer?  Take nap.

Q: Should  I reduce my alcohol  intake?   
A:  Oh  no.  Wine made from fruit.  Brandy distilled  wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you  get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made  of grain.  Bottom up!

Q: How can I  calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if  you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to  one.  If you have two body, your ratio two to  one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of  participating in a regular exercise  program?
A: Can't think of single one,  sorry.  My philosophy: No  pain...good! 
    
Q:   Aren't fried foods bad for  you?   
A:  YOU NOT  LISTENING!  Food fried in vegetable oil.  How  getting more vegetable be  bad?

Q  :  Will  sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft  around the middle?
A:  Oh no!   When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.  You  should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger  stomach. 

Q:  Is chocolate bad  for me? 
A:  You crazy?!?   HEL-LO-O!!  Cocoa bean!  Another  vegetable!  It best feel-good food  around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your  figure?
A:  If swimming good for  figure, explain whale to me.

Q:  Is  getting in shape important for my  lifestyle? 
A:  Hey!   'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared  up any misconceptions you may have had about food and  diets.

And  remember: 
Life  should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention  of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved  body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one  hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a  ride!!"  
 
AND.....

For   those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final  word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to  know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies.   

1. The Japanese  eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Australians.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and  suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians.

3. The  Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer  heart attacks than Australians.

4. The Italians  drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks  than Australians... 

5. The Germans  drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats  and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Australians.


CONCLUSION:  Eat  and drink what you  like.  Speaking English is  apparently what kills you.