Low Battery:   A married man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'.  Whenever she calls him in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger.  Give that man a medal.

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Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them.  They said it would be just like winning Lotto!   I agreed, and they were right.             

We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

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Happy Anniversary:  Just booked a table for our wedding anniversary for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though....................she's lousy at snooker!

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Got a new Jack Russell pup today.  He's mainly black and brown with just a small white area.   I've called him 'England'.

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If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it.  It's spam.

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They say that sex is the best form of exercise.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift his beer belly.

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Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Woollies.  Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

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63 Pakistanis died on Christmas Island this morning.  It was not a terrorist attack.  A bunk bed in the detention centre collapsed.  The police are blaming AL IKEA .

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Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians..........................It's  called Trycoxagain.