Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. Judge: "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane"... Mickey replied "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's f&%king Goofy!"
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I asked the baker "How come all of your cakes are 50c except for that one for $1?" He replied "That's Madeira cake".
There once was a woman with an embarrassing flatulence problem. She passed gas out of every orifice in her body, continuously. When she walked in the shops she farted, when she spoke to someone and opened her mouth, she would literally fart through her mouth. It was ridiculous.
One day her daughter said to her "Mom, it can't go on like this, you'll have to go and see a doctor about this". So she agreed, naturally non-verbally at this point, for fear of blasting her daughter with a noxious gas cloud in her face.
So the poor lady goes to the doctor. She steps into his surgery, and whilst trying to explain to him what's going on, the symptoms show up and he can see (smell/hear) what's wrong without her explaining too much further.
"OK ma'm" he says to her. "Remove all your clothes and go to the bed for me. If you don't mind bending over forward for me, whilst I get ready".
The woman does as he says, gets undressed completely, and whilst stark naked, bends over his bed with her backside up in the air, farting and burping all the while.
She looks over to see what he's doing. To her horror, he picks up a huge long, thick pole with a silver hook on the end of it, and makes his way in her direction with a not-too-nice look on his face.
"Oh my God!" she screams. "Are you going to shove that pole right up my a%se?"
The doctor says to her "No, I'm just going to open a window, it absolutely reeks in here!"
Ed went to the doctor and explained he was having difficulty getting it up.
So the Doctor gave him some cream to rub on it before sex, and told him to report back next week.
The following week Ed was back at the doctor's.
"Well Ed, how did it go?" "No good doc, still can't get it hard, please have you got something else for me to try?" "Okay" said the doc as he handed him a blister pack of pills "Try these, only one a day, come back in a week and tell me how you go!"
Back comes Ed again a week later.
"Still no good doc, surely there is something that can get little Ed hard? I'm getting desperate here!" "Okay, Ed" said the doc "It's pretty drastic and there's no going back... and it involves an injection directly into little Ed". "No problem doc, I'll cop anything at this stage".
So the doc gives Ed an injection and away he goes.
A week goes by, and then another and still no Ed. Finally after the third week Ed turns up at the Doctors.
"Doc, it's being great! I've been porking and porking and little Ed has stood tall through it all. But can you give him a rest now and let him go down?" "Nope" said the doc "Can't help you". "What?" said Ed "Surely you can do something, there must be some sort of antidote?" "Nope!" said the doc "There's nothing I can do".
A widow and widower lived next door to each other. They had been neighbours for over 30 years, but each had lost their spouse not too long ago.
Over a number of weeks, they had become close. One day, the man asked the woman if she enjoyed fishing.
"Yes" she replied, she used to enjoy fishing with her late husband. The man agreed to pick her up at 6am the next morning.
They went down to the river at the time they decided the next day, and began fishing.
After a while, the man began to move the boat upstream. They came to a fork in the river and the man asked the woman "Up or down". Being nice, he wanted to let her decide.
The woman looked around, promptly took off all her clothes and jumped on the old man. They had passionate sex. After a while, they redressed and resumed fishing.
Later in the day, they came to another fork in the river. Again, the man asked "Up or down" and once again the woman stripped and another round of passionate sex commenced.
That evening, upon arriving home, the man asked the woman if she would like to go fishing again the next day. The woman agreed. A little after 6 a.m. the next morning, they got to the river.
As they came across that first fork in the river, the hopeful man asked the lady "Up or down". "Down" the woman replied.
A little surprised, the man headed that way. After a morning of fishing, they got to another fork. "Up or down" the man asked. "Up" the woman said.
"Wait a minute" the man said. "Yesterday, when I asked that question, you took all your clothes off and we had passionate sex. What's going on?" "Well" the woman replied "yesterday, I forgot my hearing aid and I thought you said "F#CK or DROWN!'"
