After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a"gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the

aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then 

pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas 

pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

++++++++++++++++++

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

+++

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this air craft.

+++

P: Something loose in ****pit.

S: Something tightened in ****pit.

+++

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

+++

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a

200-feet-per-minute descent

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

+++

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

+++

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

+++

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.

+++

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

+++

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

+++

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

+++

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

+++

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

+++

P: Mouse in ****pit.

S: Cat installed.

+++

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a

midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a

high 

school diploma to fix one - reassurance for those of you who fly

routinely.