I went to the bottlo Monday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Jim Beam and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Jim Beam before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
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When I was young I used to think Earwigs actually lived in your ears! I shat myself when I heard there were things called ****roaches!
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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess "Will you marry me?" The Princess immediately said "No!" And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women, and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony, and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns, and ate spam and potato chips and beans, and blew enormous farts, and never got cheated on while he was at work, and all his friends and family thought he was cool as heck, and he had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up. The End.
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A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America, one day, carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because "It's a lot of money!"
The receptionist objected, stating "You can't just walk in here and expect to see the president of the Bank of America. He's a very busy man". "But I am here to make a very large cash deposit" added the old woman.
The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then walked back to one of the rear offices. She came back and said "You're in luck this morning, he will see you" and ushered her in to see the president of the Bank of America.
When she walked in to a large office with a nicely tailored man behind a great oaken desk. The bank president stood up and asked "How can I help you?" She replied "I would like to open a savings account" and placed the bag of money on his desk.
"How much would you like to deposit?" he asked curiously. "$180,000, if you please" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The President was surprised to see all this cash, so he asked her "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around, especially a woman at your stage in life. Where did you come by this kind of money?" The old lady coyly replied "I make bets".
Surprised, the president then asked "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square". "What?!" cried the man "you want to bet me $25,000 that my balls, my testicles, are square?" He could hardly hold back from laughing.
"Yes, you heard me. In fact, by ten o'clock tomorrow morning, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls will be square".
The man smiled broadly, thinking he had a live one. "You've got yourself a bet!" and shook her hand.
The little old lady then said "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 a.m., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.
She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.
The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay" said the president, obviously embarrassed. Thinking to himself "$25,000 is a lot of money, I guess it's okay". He then said "Yes, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure".
As the old woman started to feel the banker's testicles, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" The old lady replied "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10am today, I'd have the balls of the president of the Bank of America in my hands".
