- The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

- A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

- I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!! 

-My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Bugger this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

- I was driving this morning when I saw an NRMA van parked at the side of the road. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

- Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

- My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.