Simple things can be serious.

"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot died.
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Darn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird."
"What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod"
Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell??....Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!!
"Yes Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?
"Your wife's, Senor Rod........ She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief.
So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE................... , LONG, LONG, LONG SILENCE..............

"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep ****!

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon
gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and
dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done
this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set
of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive
clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has
spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several
times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the r
emainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for
their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was very impressed.
The man thought about what each woman had done with
the money he'd given her.
GUESS WHICH ONE HE MARRIED ??????????
the one with the biggest Tit's.

themselves assigned to the same sleeping
room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
sharing a room, they were both very tired and
fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth
and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke
the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you,
but would you be willing to reach into the closet
to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight,
let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.
"'Good", she replied "Get your own bloody blanket."

After a moment of silence,  he farted.

An Emergency Call Centre worker in London England, has been fired,
much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with
her dismissal. It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating,

"I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to

come so I can finally meet Allah."

Apparently, "Remain calm and stay on the line," was not considered to be an

appropriate response...

I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world and realized
that at my age, I don't really give much of a rat's ass anymore.
- If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. A
whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
- A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise
doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And
you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good
fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eye sight to tell the
difference.
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the hell is it ??
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant; the
early bird gets the Worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of
them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the
bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to
play chess.
16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . .
. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what the hell I'm "here after".
19. I'd much rather be an old has been, than a never was.
20. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
21. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE .

It was many years  ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with  a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and  confronted him with the news that the baby was his and  asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I  know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been  counting too, tell your mother, when you take this  parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat  she'll get, and watch the expression on her  face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"