The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,
So I did; she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

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Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night.
Locals were shouting "paedophile" and other names at me,
Just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

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The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low-
cut tops, although they do make me look a bit gay.

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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl
In his class give him a hand-job.
I said: "Son, that's 3 schools this year!
You'd better stop before you're banned
From teaching altogether."

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Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in.
Could only use it for half an hour,
As I started to feel sick.
It's great though; it provides me with everything I need:
Kit-Kats, Mars bars, Snickers, Potato chips, the lot."

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Question - Are there too many immigrants inAUSTRALIA?
17% said yes;
11% said no;
72% said:
"I am not understanding the question please.".

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A man calls 000 and says:
"I think my wife is dead."
The operator says:
"How do you know?"
He says:
"The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

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My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker.
Well, she's not
Exactly my girlfriend yet.

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A wife says to her husband:
"You're always pushing me around and talking
Behind my back."
And he says:
"What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair!"

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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
Reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said: "You obviously haven't been listening."

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My wife has been missing a week now.
The police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I went down to Lifeline to get all of her clothes back.

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I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for
The new children's-oriented iPod
After realizing that "I-Touch Kids" is not a good product name.

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The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked
If we could contribute towards
The floods in Pakistan.
I said:
"We'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway."