1. Just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.
2. Bought a litre of Tipp-Ex yesterday. Hug...e mistake.
3. I've started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof.
4. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
5. I tried to catch some fog today but I mist.
6. I bought a dog from my local blacksmith. When I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
7. Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention. Laughed more than I thought.
8. Just watched a wildlife documentary on beavers. Best dam programme I've seen in a long time.
9. Jokes about German sausage are the Wurst.
10. I was trying to explain puns to my kleptomaniac friend today, but she kept taking things literally.
11. I stole a rabbit today. Then I had to make a run for it.
12. A woman told me she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore
13. I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
14. What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
15. My wife told me I was a fool to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.
16. Just watched a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting.
17. I used to have a problem where I couldnt stop naming classic American sitcoms, but Im over it now. Happy Days.
18. My wife's working in a bowling alley.
Ten pin?
No, permanent.
19. I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop singing 'I'm A Believer'. Then I saw her face.
20. How do you approach an angry Welsh cheese? Caerphilly.
21. Jokes about opticians just get cornea and cornea.
22. A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
23. I was walking the dogs the other day when all of a sudden they vanished into thin air. Not sure where they went, but I've got some leads.
24. Did you know that owls can't breed in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
25. When my wife told me I had to stop impersonating a flamingo, I decided to put my foot down
26. Dad: Ive just been diagnosed with Tom Jones syndrome.
Mum: Is it common?
Dad: It's Not Unusual
27. Police just caught a man stealing 50 helium balloons. They had to let him go.
28. I used to be addicted to the Hokey Cokey, but I turned myself around. And that's what it's all about.
29. I'm giving up spray deodorants at the end of the year. Roll on 2018.
30. If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.
31. My wife asked me if I could please stop singing 'Wonderwall'. I said maybe.