My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds ... only 15 to go.

1. Ate salad for dinner ... mostly croutons & tomatoes ... really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce ... and cheese... FINE, it was a pizza ... I ate a pizza!

2. How to prepare Tofu:

First throw it in the trash and then grill some meat.

3. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

4. I don't mean to brag but ... I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

5. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

6. Kids today don't know how easy they have it ... when I was young, I had to walk through 9 feet of shag carpet to change the TV channel.

7. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

8. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed the school? Me neither.

9. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented ... I forget where I was going with this.

10. I love being over 60 ... I learn something new every day ... and forget 5 others.

11. A thief broke into my house last night ... He started searching for money ... so I woke up and searched with him.

12. My dentist told me I need a Crown ... I said, "You bet, pour mine over the rocks".

13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day!