I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles,

My next pooo could spell disaster.......

Went out last night and got really wasted,

I woke up this morning next to a large old bird who was snoring and farting....so,

at least I managed to get home OK!...

The wife's back on the warpath again.

She was up for making a home video last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part..........

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens Airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German" she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days holidays"...........

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Inspectors funeral,

a voice from inside screams:

"I'm not dead!..I'm not dead!..Let me out!"

The Vicar gives a Dick Emery toothy smile, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,

"Tooo late, mate, the paperwork's already done!".........

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge again last night.

....Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it........

"Jesus Loves You"

Nice to hear in a Church, but not in a Mexican prison........

I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.

I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!

I panicked!..I didn't know what to do....

Then I remembered the local Café serve breakfast until 11.00 AM....................

You never hear a man being asked how he combines marriage with a career......

The difference between a clitoris and a golf ball is that some blokes will spend up to 30 minutes looking for a golf ball........

..and the difference between a clitoris and a pub is simple....most men know where to find a pub....

Hoo Roo........sorry Gals.....mainly for us crusty chauvinist old Grey Nomads....