TO ALL YE LOYAL BRITISH AND COMMONWEALTH SUBJECTS, HER ROYAL MAJESTY, THE QUEEN'S CHRISTMAS MESSAGE IN CASE YOU MISSED IT ON BBC.
Queen's Christmas message ....
My loyal subjects,
One understands from ones advisers that there has been some bother with money this year. Ordinarily such trifles would not trouble one, but it seems that the small screen may now be a luxury that many of my subjects cannot afford, so this year one has committed ones regal musings to paper the better to communicate with the commoners.
It has been another eventful year for the Windsors. Ones highlight was of course William and Kates baby. It was a wonderful day: William looked regal and Kate was divine, although her sisters arse caused a bit of a stir. Poor Philip got a crick in his neck craning to get a better view. One wishes William and Kate every happiness for the future, but William is his fathers son so we were sure to set up a cast-iron pre-nuptial agreement and Philip has a contact he can call if ever things get out of hand.
Ones eldest granddaughter Zara Philips, her husband is a sportsman of unique looks, but sadly one nearly had cause to call on the SAS to offer him advice after he committed an indiscretion in New Zealand. However, one has been given to understand that dwarf throwing is a long-established tradition among those who work for a living, not to mention an excellent form of preparation for the catching and throwing skills required at the highest level of rugby union.
We just now need to marry off young Harry. However, like finding a backer for a corgi at the dog track, one fears those particular royal goods may only appeal to a niche market.
There have been no funerals this year, but Charles is keeping his spirits up.
One is afraid to report that Andrew got into a spot of bother again this year, but then hes always had a weakness for improper relationships. Over the years many have criticised the royal family for being out of touch, but we are just like every other family in the UK and accordingly have the misfortune to possess one child that brings us nothing but disappointment and embarrassment. And for someone who travels the globe as a UK trade envoy, one would imagine that Andrew could be a little more inventive with his Christmas gifts than to give us a BAE fighter jet each year stuffed full with unmarked Saudi banknotes.
For William and his grandfather Philip, professionally it has been a year of contrast. Williams work in the RAF saw him saving foreigners by plucking them out of the sea, while Philip took a turn at throwing them back in when he volunteered to check passports as a stand-in immigration officer at Dover during the recent strikes.
This year we have holidayed in a number of delightful places. In Dublin one took the opportunity to express regret for incidents that had taken place in the past between Britain and Ireland, and they seemed to buy it because there was not a single mention of potato on the menu. We travelled to Australia in 2011, our 16th visit since 1954. The media described it as ones farewell tour, and in truth one will be glad to see the back of those uncouth beer swilling natives. One made sure never to let ones handbag out of ones sight the whole trip.
During May we had the Obamas to stay at Buckingham Palace. Philip had forgotten they were coming and there was one awkward moment when he returned to see them examining some silver in the banquet room and called the police. After that he was always chaperoned during their stay and blotted his copybook only once with an unfortunate remark about mid-tan boot polish.
Unfortunately my horse was beaten in the Derby by that whipper-snapper French jockey. How Nicolas Sarkozy has time to ride horses and govern France one can only wonder.
Last year one celebrated ones Diamond Jubilee. How those 60 years have flown. One is 88 now but with public sector pensions coming under fire it seems one will have to continue working for a while yet. Though one won't be striking because one doesn't want to give Charles a sniff.
Wishing all ones subjects the very best for a divorce-free and anti-republican 2015.
Extremely poor taste, must have had a pretty sad and lonely Christmas if all you had to do was compose this nonsensical diatribe.
-- Edited by Santa on Saturday 27th of December 2014 06:08:40 PM
Actually I had a wonderful Christmas. If you think this type of comedy is in poor taste, that is your right. I am aware that not all people have a sense of humor which is what I find rather sad as it promotes unhappiness. Further, its not my composition. It was sent to me by another happy soul who also has a sense of humor.
-- Edited by Big Gorilla on Saturday 27th of December 2014 06:59:10 PM
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Retired Airline Pilot and Electrician..
I'm not old, I've just been young a long time....Ken
Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Good onya BG,we all need more humour or the ability to see humour in most things.
So true Lokidog. There are a lot of people around with nothing better to do than criticise others for injecting a bit of humor into every day life. For me, I don't suffer fools gladly...
__________________
Retired Airline Pilot and Electrician..
I'm not old, I've just been young a long time....Ken
Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
