These are classified ads, which were  actually placed in U.K. Newspapers: 
FREE YORKSHIRE  TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little  bastard.
Bites! 

FREE  PUPPIES
1/2 ****er Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's  dog. 

FREE  PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered  German  Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall  fences in a single bound.


COWS, CALVES: NEVER  BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for  sale.


JOINING NUDIST  COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer  £100.


WEDDING  DRESS FOR SALE  .
Worn once by mistake.
Call  Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is...  ****

FOR SALE BY  OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia  Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.  No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. 

Statement  of the Century 
Thought from the  Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are  so bloody perfect at multitasking, 
How come they can't have a  headache and sex at the same time?"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Children  Are Quick 
____________________________________ 
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I  got here.____________________________________ 
TEACHER: John, why  are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? 
JOHN: You  told me to do it without using tables. 
__________________________________________ 
TEACHER: Glenn,  how do you spell 'crocodile?' 
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' 
TEACHER: No, that's wrong 
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you  asked me how I spell it. 
(I Love this child) 
____________________________________________ 
TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? 
DONALD: H I J K  L M N O. 
TEACHER: What are you talking about? 
DONALD:  Yesterday you said it's H to O. 
__________________________________ 
TEACHER: Winnie, name one  important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. 
WINNIE: Me! 
__________________________________________ 
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? 
GLEN: Well,  I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. 
_______________________________________ 
TEACHER: Millie,  give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' 
MILLIE: I is.. 
TEACHER: No,  Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' 
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the  ninth letter of the alphabet.' 
________________________________ 
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's  cherry tree, 
but also admitted it. 
Now, Louie, do you know  why his father didn't punish him? 
LOUIS: Because George still  had the axe in his hand..... 
______________________________________ 
TEACHER: Now, Simon ,  tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? 
SIMON: No  sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. 
______________________________ 
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is  exactly the same as your brother's.. 
Did you copy his? 
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same  dog. 

(I want to adopt this kid!!!) 
___________________________________ 
TEACHER: Harold, what do  you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer  interested? 
HAROLD: A teacher 
__________________________________ 


Due to current economic  conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned  off