A  Muslim was sitting next to Bill on a plane.

Bill ordered a whisky.

The  stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a  drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather  be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch  my lips!"

Bill handed his drink back and  said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a  choice!" 



------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo------------ 


Paddy  calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The  operator asks "How many people are flying with  you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It's  your bloody plane!" 



-------------
(o  o)
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo------------ 


Paddy  and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day  off.
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He  climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and  shouts

"I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT  BULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go  home"

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to  leave as well.

"Where the hell are you  going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work  in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.


------------ --------- --------oOo-  --------- ---------


Two Irish couples  decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says  "I wonder how the girls are getting  on".
------------ --------- --------oOo-  ------------------ -

Paddy takes his new  wife to bed on their wedding night.
She  undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and  says
"You know what I want, don't you?"


"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole bed  by the looks of it!"

--------oOo---------

Paddy, the  electrician, got sacked from the U.S.  prison service for not servicing the electric  chair..

He said in his professional  opinion it was a death trap!


--------- -------- oOo ---------  ---------

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of  the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach  was asked to identify her.

A detective  held up the head to which point Paddy said "I  don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

--------- --------oOo- ---------  ---------

Paddy and his wife are lying in  bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad  in the garden.

Paddy says "To hell with  this!" and storms off.

He comes back  upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What  did you do?"

Paddy replies "I've put the  dog in  our garden. Let's see how they  like it!"

-----------oOo-  ---------

Paddy is said to be shocked at  finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even  know they had mobile  phones!"


------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo------------ 



Mick  and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby  cemetery.

Mick says "Crikey! There's a  bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says  "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles,  from London  !" 
       An  Irish Family  Tradition
      
Paddy,  had long heard the stories of an amazing family  tradition.

It seems that his father,  grandfather and great-grandfather had all been  able to walk on water on their 18th  birthday.
       On  that special day, they'd each walked across the  lake to the pub on the far side for their first  legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th  birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took  a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy,  stepped out of the boat ...and nearly  drowned!
       Mick  just barely managed to pull him to  safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went  to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he  asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I  walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father,  and his father before him?"

Granny looked  deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and  said, "Because your father, your grandfather and  your great grandfather were all born in  December, when the lake is frozen, and you were  born in August, ya dip  ****.