BRITISH HUMOUR IS DELIGHTFULLY DIFFERENT

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.

8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!

___________________________________________

FREE PUPPIES

1/2 ****er Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

________________________________________________

FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.

Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

_______________________________________________________

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

________________________________________________________

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!

Must sell washer and dryer £100.

_____________________________________________________________

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.

Worn once by mistake.

Call Stephanie.

___________________________________________________________

And the WINNER is...

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.

Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.

No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

(Statement of the Century)

___________________________________________________________

Children Are Quick

TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your maths multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this child)

____________________________________________

TEACHER: David, what is the chemical formula for water?

DAVID: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DAVID: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER: Wendy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WENDY: Me!

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, why do you always get so dirty?

GLENN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________

TEACHER: Molly, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

MOLLY: I is..

TEACHER: No, Molly..... Always say, 'I am.'

MOLLY: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Lewis, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LEWIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.......

______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________

TEACHER: Colin , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?

COLIN : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harry, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HARRY: A teacher

__________________________________

Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.