An Irishman's letter to Centrelink in request of receiving an AIDS leaflet

Dear Sir
I have just received an AIDS leaflet in the mail and would like to apply straight away for AIDS.
I have been on the dole for the past ten years and have been receiving the child allowance, and every other benefit I could get. It now seems I will be getting aid for sex. It's a pity this AIDS has come so late as I already have 15 children and was wondering if I would be entitled to back payments.
Your leaflet states that the more sex I have the more chances I have of getting AIDS. My only problem here is persuading my wife, who is not so keen after having 15 kids. Several years ago I bought some sex aids but she showed little interest in them and they were hardly used. Would there be any chance of a refund of the $75 I paid for the sex gadgets.
Anyway, I will now explain to her that the government will now be paying for all the sex we have, and I'm sure she will agree that we can't let a chance like this go by.
You also state that I can pass my AIDS on, but as you will understand, with a wife and 15 kids to feed there won't be much left to pass on, If by any chance there is a bit left though, I will pass this on to my poor old mother in law who only has her pension.
I understand from your leaflet that I can get AIDS through a blood transfusion and intend to write to my local hospital straight away to see when I can have one.  Will AIDS that I get from the hospital be deducted from the AIDS that I get from you? Perhaps you can write and let me know.
I am a firm believer in getting every aid from the government that I am entitled too and I'm sure you will agree from my past record that I do qualify for this one.
Could you please let me know how much I will get paid each time and will it be weekly or monthly payments?

Yours Faithfully

Shamus O'Toole


P.S.   Your advert is great. I certainly wont die of ignorance. I know my rights.