|
Nursing Home h
(Preview)
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use...
|
oldbloke
|
1
|
738
|
|
|
|
|
The Dying Priest
(Preview)
The Dying Priest In Canberra an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near. "Yes, Father?" said the nurse. "I would really like to see Prime Minister and the Treasurer before I die", whispered the pr...
|
Dave1952
|
0
|
508
|
|
|
|
|
Golfer
(Preview)
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes."Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"Thinking the man is craz...
|
oldbloke
|
1
|
618
|
|
|
|
|
Gym membership.
(Preview)
I just joined a Gym and signed up for a fitness class, They told me to wear loose fitting clothing. If I had loose fitting clothing I wouldn't have joined the Gym.
|
Possum3
|
0
|
675
|
|
|
|
|
Tact....
(Preview)
|
aussie_paul
|
1
|
687
|
|
|
|
|
Sick child
(Preview)
A young girl has a terrible case of the flu, she is achy, has a high fever and is terribly hoarse. After waiting for the doctor for over an hour she is finally admitted. After the usual routine of listening to her breathing and checking her ears, the doctor looks at the girl and says, so what would you say is...
|
Possum3
|
0
|
707
|
|
|
|
|
World Cup Final
(Preview)
It's the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbour "The seat is empty". "This is incredible" said the man "Who in their r...
|
fwdoz
|
1
|
600
|
|
|
|
|
Airport
(Preview)
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the U.S. Air crew, screaming: "U.S. AIR 2771, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING? I told you to turn RIG...
|
fwdoz
|
1
|
633
|
|
|
|
|
TEXT TO NEIGHBOUR:
(Preview)
TEXT TO NEIGHBOUR:Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. Ive got a confession to make. Ive been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least Im telling you in this text and I cant live with myself a minute longer without you knowing abo...
|
Paintar
|
2
|
928
|
|
|
|
|
What percentage?
(Preview)
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound slee...
|
fwdoz
|
0
|
757
|
|
|
|
|
Ballerina
(Preview)
One day a woman walked into the bar. She was the ugliest thing you have ever seen. Sweaty, covered in spots and smelling of piss. She also had the hairiest armpits you have ever seen. Suddenly she raised her arm, hairs sticking out of her pit, and said "What man out there will buy a woman a drink?"Everyone...
|
fwdoz
|
0
|
605
|
|
|
|
|
One Liners
(Preview)
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says "No, I'm traveling light". I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone". "I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them". "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn'...
|
fwdoz
|
0
|
540
|
|
|
|
|
What is?
(Preview)
What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money.
|
fwdoz
|
0
|
560
|
|
|
|
|
The Pearly Gates
(Preview)
A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!"...
|
fwdoz
|
0
|
568
|
|
|
|
|
Inventions
(Preview)
The bathtub was invented in 1850. The telephone was invented in 1875. This might not seem like much, but if you had lived back then, you could have sat in the bathtub for twenty-five years without being bothered by the phone.
|
fwdoz
|
0
|
567
|
|
|
|
|
Another lol.... :)
(Preview)
|
aussie_paul
|
1
|
776
|
|
|
|
|
Little Johnny
(Preview)
Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast. To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg "E-G-G" "Very good" says the teacher.Peter says he had toast "T...
|
fwdoz
|
7
|
1133
|
|
|
|
|
Agricultural Income is tax-free.
(Preview)
A young woman walks into a Chartered accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her tax Returns. The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions.' He gets her name, address etc. and then asks, ' What's your occupation?' 'I'm a prostitute', she says. The account...
|
Paintar
|
0
|
624
|
|
|
|
|
Question
(Preview)
Question: Why do people have Armies? Answer: So they have somewhere to hang their Handies !
|
reikioz
|
0
|
727
|
|
|
|
|
A Few of my favourite things
(Preview)
Does this fit for you ? Julie Andrews Turning 79 - this is hysterical! To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favourite Things' fr...
|
Cupie
|
4
|
965
|
|
|
