I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year; not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be  an even number?   

Today a man knocked on my  door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him  a glass of water

I want to die  peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I find it ironic that the colours red, white and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you. 

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote. 

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

Did you know that  dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train  people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them  fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about  that!

I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.   

Money talks ..but all mine ever says is good-bye. 

You're not fat, you're just  easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a car payment.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?".

I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor.

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she  was hitting on me. 

My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 70 kilos I've gained since  then.  

Maccas has a slogan, "If  it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Maccas and it's your  birthday, your life sucks!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure  she's going to get me something.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a dressing gown before you start looking like a mental patient.

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!