I though it appropriate to reflect upon what Australia 

really means, with the help of Douglas Adams, the author 

of Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy 

Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom 

half of the planet. It is recognizable from orbit because of many unusual 

features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its 

southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge into the girting sea. 

Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology, but 

they still call it the "Great Australian Bight", proving that not only are they 

covering up a more frightening theory but they can't spell either.

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. 

Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as continent, 

island or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in 

this.

The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be 

divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 

10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, 

it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, 

Australia has all of them. However, there are few snakes, possibly because 

the spiders have killed them all.

But even the spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be careful to 

check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting 

down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.

A short history: Sometime around 40,000 years ago some people arrived in 

boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them 

died. The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of nature, 

man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in and 

spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.

Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged people in 

charge. They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failing to take account of the 

reversal of the seasons), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.

About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is 

interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves 

vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, 

steal and litigate (marks of a civilized culture they say), whereas all the 

Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot 

desert, equipped with a stick.

Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on 'extended 

holiday' and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused 

by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a 

person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of 

their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside 

their boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most 

finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making 

up stories. Be warned.

There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the 

nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually venturing into the sea 

will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits 

on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock and has venomous barbs 

sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. 

However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would expect 

Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful and 

always willing to share a kind word with a stranger. Faced with 

insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and 

look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of 

corrugated iron, string and mud.

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is 

greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim 

that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land 

"Oz" or "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country"). The 

irritating thing about this is they may be right.There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though.

Do not, under any circumstances, suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless 

you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer.

Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt.

Religion and Politics are fairly safe topics of conversation (Australians don't 

care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield.

The only correct answer to "So, howdya like our country, eh?" is "Best 

(insert your own regional swear word here) country in the world!

It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will 'adopt' you 

on your first night, and take you to a pub where Australian beer is served. 

Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation rite. 

You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul taste 

in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes.

Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any legal 

difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia, so we took him to the pub," 

to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook. Be sure to tell 

the story of these events to every other Australian you encounter, adding 

new embellishments at every stage and noting how strong the beer was. 

Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.

Typical Australian sayings:-

G'Day.

She'll be right, mate.

No Worries.

Tips to Surviving Australia:

Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason WHATSOEVER.

The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it 

is.Always carry a stick.

Air-conditioning is imperative.

Do not attempt to use Australian slang unless you are a trained linguist and 

extremely good in a fist fight.

Wear thick socks.

Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are 

people nearby.

If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all 

times, or you will die.

Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a 

core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

How to identify Australians:

They waddle when they walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers 

stuffed in their wallet or purse.

They pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".

They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large 

fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

They think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place, that 

"Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga" but "Woy Woy" can't be 

called "Woy".

Their hamburgers will contain beetroot. Apparently its a must-have.

They dont think it's summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.

Will react in horror when companies try to market "Anzac cookies".

They believe that all train timetables are works of fiction.

Aussie Paul.