Yet another joke

NannyMon · Veteran Member

Yet another joke

twobob · Guru

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

......................................................................

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

NannyMon · Veteran Member

Bush and Clinton on a train...

Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde woman and an enormously large woman with an unfriendly scowl are in a train car. The train passes through a tunnel, and in the darkness the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. As the train pulls out of the tunnel, the daylight reveals a big red slap mark on Clinton's cheek.

The blonde thinks: "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who must have slapped his face"

The fat lady thinks: "That dirty old Bill Clinton touched the blonde and she smacked him."

Bill Clinton thinks: "George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."

George Bush thinks: "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."

twobob · Guru

HEAVEN AND HELL

While walking down the street one day, a Parliamentarian is tragically hit by a truck and killed. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see,
so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the Parliamentarian.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "There's no need! I want to be in Heaven," says the Parliamentarian. "I'm sorry but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, and he goes down, down, down into Hell. The doors open, and he finds himself in the middle of a beautiful green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in formal dress. They run to greet him, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens on Heaven
where St.Peter is waiting for him ...

"Now it's time to visit Heaven."

So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.

"Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, you must choose where you want to spend eternity." He reflects for a minute and then answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better satisfied in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator, and down, down, down he goes into Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. And it's hot, hot, hot and
the odor is just horrible. Sweltering hot. Hot and miserable. The Devil comes over to him and smoothly lays his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the Parliamentarian. "The day before yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at the senator, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning ... today you voted for us."

NannyMon · Veteran Member

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, shingles. The doctor asked, Where?

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them???!!!"

RobCol · Senior Member

Liked the others but yours made me "laugh out loud"/ lol !!
Good one

Basil Faulty · Guru

Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Bunnings when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. 'What does your wife look like?'

The old timer says...... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'

twobob · Guru

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange.

When the next waiter brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired,
'Why the spoon?''

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes.

After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.

It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.
'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'

I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.
So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.

'Not everyone is so observant.

That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon!!

Basil Faulty · Guru

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor
has
      told him he has only 24 hours to live.

      Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she
      agrees, and they make love.

      About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,
'Honey,
      you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it
one
      more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and
realizes
he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and
asks,
'Honey, please... just one more time before I die?'

she says, 'Of course, dear.' And they make love for the third
time. After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.

Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses &
turns until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
Do you
think we could....?'

      At this point the wife rolls over and says, 'Listen Ralph, I have
To get up in the morning... you don't.

twobob · Guru

After living in the remote wilderness of the Kimberleys all his life, an old Bushie decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, 'How about that! Here's a picture of my dad.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed.

One day after her husband left, she searched the shed and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly **** he's running' around with.

Basil Faulty · Guru

Funeral Service

As a young Priest in Whyalla, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends.

The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be buried there.

I was not familiar with the bush and I soon became lost.

Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late.

I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

The digging crew was eating lunch.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave.

There I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around the grave and stood silent by, as I began to pour out my heart and soul.

As I preached about`looking forward to a brighter tomorrow' and `the glory that is to come,' the workers began to say `Amen,' `Praise the Lord,' and `Glory!' The fervor of these men truly inspired me.

So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached before, all the way from Genesis to Revelations.

I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the workers say to another, `I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!'

twobob · Guru

Ok, I take my leave

First Nannamons, leaves me in her dust, and now you leaves me gasping for breath. I am done in and bow, humbly to the Masters

I may offer something in the future, but have learnt my lession - knowledge and experience ARE EVERYTHING.

When trying to fly with eagles, make sure your not a turkey

dave06 · Guru

an old saying just came to mind. 2y's ur 2y's ub, ic ur 2y's 4 me

suenami · Senior Member

RE: Yet another joke - Must be Wednesday again!

NannyMon · Veteran Member

RE: Yet another joke

twobob · Guru

A biker went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on Harleys. My momma was pregnant with me when she rode on the back of my Daddy's Harley, then as a little boy I rode on the back with my Daddy until I finally got my own Harley. I've been riding a Harley ever since. So yes, I guess I am a real biker."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women." Then she got up and left.

The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

NannyMon · Veteran Member

twobob wrote:

A biker went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on Harleys. My momma was pregnant with me when she rode on the back of my Daddy's Harley, then as a little boy I rode on the back with my Daddy until I finally got my own Harley. I've been riding a Harley ever since. So yes, I guess I am a real biker."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women." Then she got up and left.

The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

Still laughing Bob, good one !!