O.K. got a joke for you

dave06 · Guru

O.K. got a joke for you

RobCol · Senior Member

Hee Hee, loved that! Wonder what they'd do if it was forecast for hot weather?????

As I'm new at this, what size font is everyone using? Notice last couple of posts I made font and size is different to others.

Chilly night here in Perth, nice days tho. The Master is asleep on couch so for entertainment am looking here to see whats new hmm

!!

NannyMon · Veteran Member

How about this one Dave lol

Duties of Wives!

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from USA and bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework.

He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Canada . He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and hang out a load of washing.

God Bless Australian Women.............

-- Edited by NannyMon at 22:51, 2008-09-05

NannyMon · Veteran Member

RobCol wrote:

Hee Hee, loved that! Wonder what they'd do if it was forecast for hot weather?????

As I'm new at this, what size font is everyone using? Notice last couple of posts I made font and size is different to others.

Chilly night here in Perth, nice days tho. The Master is asleep on couch so for entertainment am looking here to see whats new!!

Hi Colly,

Nice to hear from you. Don't worry about your fonts etc, use what you like, as you can see I like mauve. I don't think the men worry one way or another. If the "master" is asleep on the couch perhaps you had better read my joke I put in. Having said that I had better get out of here before Dave boxes my ears. Take care ... Monica

Valderi · Veteran Member

Ha Ha funny jokes, like fire wood joke thanks dave.

Valderi.

Basil Faulty · Guru

THIS IS INCREDIBLE.... Read all the Numbers... Slowly and in Order!!

Be Careful not to MISS ANY
1
2
3
4
5
6
7

8
9
10
11
12
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14
15
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21
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26

27

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30
Finished?
Scroll down ....................

GOOD ! TOMORROW I'LL SEND YOU THE ABC's !
It takes so little to amuse old people.

dave06 · Guru

great jokes, had a good laugh, Basil you are a #%@!%^$@@

kesue · Senior Member

An old couple where awoken by a banging on the front door at three o'clock in the morming. The old chap gets up and opens the door. "Can you give us a push mate?' says the guy.
"No way buggar off its three o'clock in the morning" He shuts the door and goes back to bed. His wife asks who it was, and tells him he should have helped the man. "Remember when we were on holiday and you knocked someone up late at night to help you, well they didn't say no" The old guy goes back to the door , opens it and yells "do you still want a push"
Yes please comes the reply. "Where are you then"
OVER HERE ON THE SWING

Gary and Kerry · Guru

A man walks into a pub and says, 'Give me three pints of Guinness, please.' So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more and the bartender says, 'Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low.'

The man says, 'You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together.'

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, 'Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died.'

The man replies, 'Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking.'

twobob · Guru

Sorry to put a dampener on proceedings, but I have considered suicide - as you see

50 y ago, they hung, drawn and quartered Homosexuals (not that they is anything wrong with that)

20 y ago, they turned a blind eye to such events
10 y ago, they accepted it

I want out - before they make it compulsory

dave06 · Guru

a ranchers widow was finding it hard to keep up with all the work around the place and not wanting to let the ranch go decided to take on a hand, only two respondants turned up, one was gay and the other was a drunk, she decided to take the gay as a drunk would be of little use, after 2 weeks of solid work she told the hand to take some time off and go in to town, he deserved it, he did, 1 am came around he wasnt home she sat with a glass of wine by the fire waiting, 2 am 3 am, he turned up and came inside, come here she said, he stepped over to her, take off my waistcoat she said, he did, take off my blouse, he did whilst all the while staring at her eyes glinting by the firelight, now take off my boots and stockings, he obliged all the while keeping his steely gaze fixed upon hers, now she said take off my skirt and if I ever catch you wearting my clothes again you are fired, HAH, HAH got you biggrin

Gary and Kerry · Guru

A fart it is a pleasant thing,

It gives the belly ease,

It warms the bed in winter,

And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet,

A fart can be loud,

Some leave a powerful,

Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,

Or a fart can be long,

Some farts have been known

To sound like a song......

A fart can create

A most curious medley,

A fart can be harmless,

Or silent , and deadly.

A fart might not smell,

While others are vile,

A fart may pass quickly,

Or linger for a while......

A fart can occur

In a number of places,

And leave everyone there,

With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie,

To a small elevator,

A fart will find all of

Us sooner or later.

But all farts are bad,

Is simply not true-

We must never forget.......

Sweet old farts like you!

dave06 · Guru

fred and pete had lost their frail elderly mother up in one of the northern rivers, they searched high and low for two days until they came upon her lying in waistdeep muddy water, 12 big mudcrabs were hanging off her having a feast, she was not a pretty site, "oh jeez" fred says, "what will do", pete says "oh bugger it you take 6 and I'll take six and we"ll reset her".

2 men race in to a pub and yells at the barkeep "quick give us a drink before the trouble starts" the barkeep quickly gives them the drink and says " that'll be $3.00" one bloke says to the other " looks like the troubles started"

a feller walks in to the pub orders and starts drinking his drink and says "I shouldnt be drinking this with what I've got" barkeep says " what have you got" feller say " 20 cents" boom boom

twobob · Guru

As this site is about travelling - here a tip when Purchasing for same

When buying a swag recently I got "what size would you like?"

Reply "2 bums high or 2 wide?"

twobob · Guru

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

ps : Hope this one gets parts the adjudicators - onya webmaster - love your work

Gary and Kerry · Guru

GUTS or BALLS

There is a distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or
balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

Basil Faulty · Guru

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this..

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Brisbane to Melbourne. After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue , so they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a bill for $450.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00. When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use. 'But we didn't use them,' the man complains. 'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is Famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood ,and LasVegas Perform here,' the Manager says. 'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again. 'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies. No matter what amenity the Manager mentions! , the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!' The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque.'But sir,' he says, 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.''That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400.00 for sleeping with my wife.''But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have.'