There are three things that cannot be easily hidden: The Sun,
The Moon and the Truth.

The following are 2 Simple Truths, 5 Rules of Life, and 3 Bonus Rules:

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

After sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2:

When a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congratulations."

But none go up to the man, touch his penis and say, "Good Job."

Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated. 

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1. Money can't buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the *******'s name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.

5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

BONUS RULES:

1. Condoms do not guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

2. I think all politicians should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors.

3. Also, all politicians should serve only two terms -- one in office and one in prison.