A young woman submitted the below to tech support about her relationship with her new husband, presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply which was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!
THE QUERY
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery apps, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled some of my other apps, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable apps such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed, Desperate.
THE RESPONSE (that came weeks later out of the blue)
Dear Desperate,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter the command: Ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML and try to download Tears 6.2. Also, install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that app works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 will download the Snoring Loudly Beta version.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources. In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install Boyfriend 5.0. That will crash Husband 1.0.
Husband 1.0 is a functional app, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn other new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional apps to improve memory and performance. Try Cooking 3.0.